Unicorn Rainbow Blood

Magnify Libido and Pleasure Now

by on Jul.26, 2010, under Unicorn Rainbow Blood

Charles Atlas Penis Enlarger

The Penis Enlargement Blues

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve received a lot of emails over the course of my life telling me I need to increase the size of my penis. Usually I mark them as spam, and then sit and admire my yogurt slinger. Every once in a while there comes a message that speaks directly to me, and convinces me that I need to increase the size of Stretchy and the Twins. My third arm of justice.

That is to say my Candy cane, Captain Winky, Cattle prod, Cack, Cervix crusader, Cheese staff, Cherry picker, Chick sticker, Chicksicle, Chief of staff, Chorizo, Chowder dumper, Chubby, Clam digger, Clit tickler, Cock-a-saurus Rex, Colon cowboy, Coral branch, Corndog, Crack slapper, Cramstick, Crank shaft, Cream-filled meatsicle, Creamsicle, Crimson Darth Vader, Crotch cobra, Custard cannon, Cycloptic milk spitter, Dangling participle, Diamond cutter, Dickimus Maximus, Dickory dock, dilly-ho-ho, Ding-a-ling, Ding-dong, Dingaroo, Dingle dangle, Dingus, Dinky, Dipstick, Divining rod, Dong-bong, Doodle dandy, Doppelganger, Doughnut holder, Dribbling dragon, Dr. Cyclops, Elephant trunk, Elmers glue shooter, Everlasting gob-dropper, Excreting eel, Executive staff member…

You get the picture. Without further ado, the message that is sure to launch a thousand damaged penis lawsuits:

The occupants come out from the other boxes into virgin’s
feet were poised on clouds, and beneath the thirsty animals,
when released, would rush know my nerves can’t stand much
of a shock. I he was in the firmament, and with the other
he.


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BFF Disappoints

by on Jul.05, 2010, under Unicorn Rainbow Blood

BFF, WTF?

BFF is a new word that’s been tossed around a lot recently, and by new word and recently I mean it’s pretty old. As a relatively un-hip cat, I’ve gone through life with no idea what this strange acronym means. I know Paris Hilton has a reality show called My New BFF, unfortunately I’ve never seen it. This has left an empty hole where my heart should be. Sometimes this hole sucks in darkness and spits out light.

As time passed I grew increasingly irrational trying to decipher reason from this damnable triumvirate. Night after night, panic stricken, I hid beneath the covers silently screaming, “What could it mean?!?” My mind raced endless circuits inside my head, whirling maniacally like a soggy marble. Boy Fu-Friend? Buy French Fries? Nothing made sense. My world had been turned upside down and yanked backwards through time and space.

Out of desperation I began hanging around outside of McDonald’s, hoping to find a wise face. I was met with the pitying eyes of a plastic clown. I sat for hours at Dunkin’ Donuts and tried to catch the attention of knowledgeable coffee drinkers. When I finally did, I became so excited that my words became entangled. Instead of asking, “Pardon me friend, but could you possible tell me what BFF stands for?” like I had rehearsed, I accidentally blurted out a stream of profanity laced gibberish while simulating sex with a donut.
Finally, after months of sleepless nights it occurred to me: I’ll look on the internet! Eureka! I dashed to the computer and feverishly consulted google. I typed in “B” and waited. Nothing! I tried again, this time with the letter “F” Damn! Still Nothing! I tried the third “F” with the same sickening result.
Growing despondent I was on the verge of giving up when I had a brainstorm, ‘Why not try and type in all three letters together?’ It was a longshot, but having nowhere else to turn I gave it one final try. I held my breath, closed one eye, and with my typing finger I cautiously tapped in the letters B…F…F. In the blink of an eye, I had my answer. Best…Friends…Forever. Needless to say, very disappointing.
Paris Hilton, My BFF related dudes and chicks, yo


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Britney Spears Song Kills Five

by on Jun.17, 2010, under Unicorn Rainbow Blood

If You Seek Amy Destroys America


Christians across America have been under siege since Britney Spears new song was released. “If you go to church, you’d better watch out!” Susie McBread, chairperson of the Parents Television Council warns, “That song is like getting fucked in the ass by Satan!”

The catchy little ditty has been causing chaos amongst God-fearing citizens not only in the Promised Land of America, but around the globe. In Rome, an eleven year old girl suddenly began spurting blood from her ears when the song was heard from a passing car. More recently it was reported that five grade eight children exploded after they downloaded the song from an illegal website named Itunes.

The song in question is Spears new single, “If U Seek Amy.” According to PTC president Tim Winter, “There is no misinterpreting the lyrics to this song, and it’s certainly not about a girl named Amy.” An enraged Winter claims that if you say the title of the song fast enough, it sounds like the F-Word. “Kids turn on the radio to hear happy songs about love and shit, not hear a bunch of fucking stupid bullshit for fuck’s sake! This song sounds like the fucking F-word, and that’s so much fucking bullshit that I fucking hate it and I hate that fucking bitch for making such a fucking fucker song! FUCK!”


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