I’m poor

Arby’s Reuben Sandwich, Portrait of a Squandered Life

by on Jul.25, 2010, under I'm poor

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Arby’s. All opinions are 100% mine.

Create Your Own Personalized Arby’s Jr.

I’ll take a Reubens sandwich, hold the pickle.

This never fails to make me laugh; it’s one of the funniest jokes in history. Nobody tells it anymore, because nobody gets it anymore. It belonged to a specific time and place, long gone. It’s reminiscent of Kurt Vonnegut’s favourite joke, which he told often in his books, and claimed it was the funniest joke he knew. “I had a dream I was eating flannel cakes, and when I awoke the blanket was gone.” I never found it funny, or at least as funny as he seemed to. Then again he also claimed a ‘twerp’ is a person who inserts a set of false teeth in his or her ass in order to bite the buttons off back seats of taxi cabs. Back to the joke, you probably won’t get this joke either. This is sad for me, as it reflects on my growing irrelevance in the world. Sad, but I can still laugh at this joke which is more than I can say for a lot of people. I’ll give you a hint:
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Connect your friends with Chains

by on Jul.06, 2010, under I'm poor

Hampton Chain of Friends SweepstakesClick Here

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Hampton Hotels. All opinions are 100% mine.

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If you’ve ever entered a contest it’s most likely been for a free bottle of seltzer, or laces for your boring sneakers. If you know anything about contests, if you know anything about hotels, if you know anything about chains, armour, adolescent nights consisting of renting a hotel room with your buddies with a fake ID just so you have a place to drink, or even Chihuahuas as fashion accessories, this is the contest for you.

The Hampton Hotels Chain of friends contest grand prize consists of an entire hotel for you and 100 of your closest friends for an entire weekend, plus $5,000! Just think of what you could do with a prize like this! You could have a seriously good time; pretend you’ve just been sent to Las Vegas to cover a motorcycle race with your attorney. You could eat sheets of blotter acid and sit in the bathtub with a giant hunting knife! You could relive the glory days of the Who by driving cars into the swimming pool, have orgies in hot tubs full of baked beans like Led Zeppelin, or if you’re lucky hang a fishing pole out of your room and catch a mudshark!

This sweepstake is open to everyone, so let your inhibitions down and invite all of your friends on myspace and facebook. You could storm the ice machines dressed like wiener dogs without disturbing anyone. You don’t need to be a Hilton Honors member, or even to have previously stayed at a Hampton Hotel.

I’m assuming the chains will be supplied with your room, you don’t want anybody sneaking off on your big night. Or perhaps they’re whoopin’ chains. Whatever floats your boat. I’d like to sit in a heart shaped hot tub with towels folded to look like swans, while 100 of my closest friends tossed single links of the grand prize chain into the water I was soaking in. Rusted, busted and encrusted. Talk about good times. I’d also invite the Queen of England to stop by for a cup of tea. That’s always a very civilized thing to do. If I became friends with her on facebook, do you think she’d come?

What would you do if you won this great grand prize? The best comment will be supplied two years worth of microscopic dog biscuits suitable for the next fashion canine accessory, earring sized schnauzers.

Good luck everyone!

Visit my sponsor: Chain-of-Friends Grand Prize


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Awesome World Cup PWH Video!

by on Jun.24, 2010, under I'm poor

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Cisco. All opinions are 100% mine.

Put yourself in a World Cup video

If you know me at all, you know I’m very passionate when it comes to sports. On more than one occasion I’ve driven friends to various sporting events; bowling, darts, hopscotch, and even soccer, when I invariably hear somebody in the car scream at me, “Hey man, yer passing it!” It makes me feel quite robust knowing that my intense feelings for all things manly are worn upon my shoulder, with pride, for the entire world to see. Because of my machismo I’m rarely called a wuss anymore. When I am, its usually because I’m either crying or watching Sex in the City.
Obviously, my favourite team is the Maldives National Football Team. There is no greater feeling than watching these football masters battle it out on the field with their peers. Go Maldives! Take the Cup!

The only thing cooler than the Maldives football team, is this custom world cup soccer video maker. You can upload your own face and suddenly be playing in the world cup! What I love most about this is how it makes it look as though Leatherface has sliced off your face and sewn it onto different people. Buffalo Bill, eat your heart out. There’s even a great segment which shows how your rotting face would look with insects crawling all over it. It really makes me wanna kick some balls!

If you can’t believe it, check out how cool Pee Wee Herman looks in this video!

Pee Wee Herman, Maldives Football TeamPee Wee Herman, Maldives Football Team.

Leave a link to your video and tell me why Maldives have the coolest Football team in the world.

Visit my sponsor: Cool World Cup Video – Live the Beautiful Game


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DC Shoes, Ken Block, and the Fall of Thomas Edison

by on Jun.21, 2010, under I'm poor

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of PacSun. All opinions are 100% mine.

Ken Block Gear

I’m sure that most of you have heard about Ken Block teaming up with DC Shoes and Ford Gear. When I first heard this I couldn’t believe how incredible my life had become. If I you’ll allow me to take you back a few years, you will understand why this seeminly trivial occurance is so important to me, a guy whose incredible charm, stunning good looks and incredible physique have kept him uneployed and single for the majority of his life.

I’d had the idea for Direct Current shoes six years ago. When I was pitching my idea to various manufacturers, DC was obviously the first. Initially my vision was for a pair of shoes which could be used to recharge batteries. From there the design of D.C. shoes took on a life of their own, and before I knew it I had a pair of shoes that could not only magnetize themselves and allow me to walk up metal walls, it could also knock you across the room. All of these effects were triggered by a series of delicate tap dance moves.

Soon afterwards I was invited to demonstrate my new invention to the crumb bums at DC shoes. I wore my protoype to the meeting in order to make a stunning entrance, walking in the room upside down on the ceileing. Unfortunately for me, there weren’t any solid metal walls or ceilings anywhere in the building. Nevertheless, I stalked confidently into the room when the called me. The next unfortunate event occured as I walked into the room. ‘Hello Dolly’ by Louis Armstrong came over the muzak, and I was unable to stop myself from breaking into a quick soft shoe routine during the horn solo. This triggered a strange reaction from my DC Shoes, and suddenly three people lay dead at my feet. Literally.

Anyway, check out this killer video of Ken Block doing shoe stuff, and leave a comment saying what your favorite Monster World Rally piece of clothing is!

Anywhoo, Ken Block is a really renowned rally racer. He’s raced the pants off lesser men not only in the X games, but around the world. Many people don’t know Ken Block co-founded DC shoes. These people are fools. DC shoes are good for skateboarders who like to skate the pants off their competition. Aside from separating people from their pants, DC shoes and Rallysport have been very kind to the young gajillionaire. Surprisingly, his success has not caused him to turn his back on friends and family.According to sources he has adopted the nasty habit of referring to friends and foe ‘Old chap’ ala The Great Gatsby.

It’s Ken’s goal to grow the Monster World Rally Team best known rally team in the universe, and this young man can only reach his goal with your help. Please call 1-800-MON-STERS or go buy some DC shoes. Give until your heart hurts. Give until you can’t give anymore. When monster world rally reaches it’s zenith there will be free Mountain Dew for all of us.

Visit my sponsor: Ken Block and DC Shoes Collaboration


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The Cross Canada White Trash Extravagnza

by on Apr.15, 2010, under I'm poor

Kraft Dinner Gotta Be Canadian Contest!

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Kraft Dinner Gotta Be Canadian Contest!. All opinions are 100% mine.

Have you ever wanted to surf upon oceans of powdered cheese food product, building up speed as you glide over globs of melted margarine on your journey to the heart of the Canadian instant noodle dinner? Now, the chance can finally be yours! Enter the Kraft Dinner Gotta Be Canadian Contest and you could win the opportunity to travel across Canada by train as Kraft’s official macaroni correspondent, and share your experiences online with other gourmets.
I know you’re probably thinking you’ll need to take a crash course in macaroniololgy, and only a real cheesologist would qualify for such an amazing prize. It’s just not true. Not only are 90% of North America’s trailer park nutrition ministry over in Thailand on a noodle conference, the remaining 10% are made up of college students to drunk on cheap malt liquor to form a sentence, and the aforementioned trailer park consortium, who at this point in time are rolling just out of phone range on their way to the fishin’ hole.

So listen up kids aged 16-25, All you have to do is write an essay or shoot a video telling Kraft Dinner why you should be picked to be the Official KD Canadian Correspondent. Not only will you be sailing seas of cheese, you’ll also get Prizing is as follows:
A 16 day trip from the Pacific to the Maritimes for 2, valued at $16,000 $1,500 spending money, a MacBook Pro and a Sony bloggie camera. I think. I didn’t really read the rules that closely because I got so excited when I heard about this contest I nearly squirted cheese through my nipples. Once you’ve entered you can badger everyone you know to vote for you.

Now don’t just stand there, go write a bunch of stuff about how you love cheese to a box of noodles, and good luck!

Visit my sponsor: Kraft Dinner


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Make your own damn Moviestorm

by on Mar.03, 2010, under I'm poor

Create a Kids Movie with Moviestorm and you could win an amazing $2k Mac!

Moviestorm

Moviestorm Challenge

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Moviestorm. All opinions are 100% mine.

Have you ever wanted to create your own digitally animated movie, and then suddenly remember that you didn’t go to school to study digital animation, you can’t draw, you have little money and no visual ideas? Sure, who hasn’t? As you sit slumped in your seat on the crowded subway with your fading hopes dashed upon the shores of reality, you still cling stubbornly to this dream. This desire is eating you away inside. This fire, which compels you to create, spurs you to reach higher and higher…

And then you look down at the poorly rendered stickman animation you’ve spent the past six months working on. You realize you’re near the end, because your 300 page flip book is rapidly running out of paper, yet when you preview your master work, ‘Man walking, ball bouncing,’ you realize there must be another way. Well thankfully, there is.

INT. LOUNGE – NIGHT
ENTER: MOVIESTORM, a stunningly handsome virtual movie studio which has everything you need to make animated movies in the comfort of your own home. Moviestorm is a subscription based animation service that costs only $8 a month. Try out the free version for Mac or PC.

MOVIESTORM:

I’m here to rent you some unique content.

VILLAIN

What, like some crappy rubber robots? Beat it before I blow your fool head off!

MOVIESTORM:

Why you dirtyNo you drooling degenerate, you can get any kind of content you want. Horror, cop shows, music videos, science fiction, even romance. From where I’m standing, the only way you’ll ever see romance is if you make it up yourself. Check out the unique content rental system.

VILLAIN:

I prefer using a paper and pencil to draw bouncing balls. I find technology strange and confusing; in fact it makes me uncomfortable.

MOVIESTORM:

Don’t be an idiot, Moviestorm is fun and easy to use. Check out these tutorial videos and you’ll realize even a shmuck like you can function in a modern society.

As MOVIESTORM turns around to leave, the evil villain raises his gun, aiming for the back of his head.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL

So, quit standing around bellyaching, and go win a MAC.

Visit my sponsor: Moviestorm


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Who says there’s no such thing as a free pizza?

by on Mar.03, 2010, under I'm poor

Tony’s Pizza

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Tony’s Pizza. All opinions are 100% mine.

I know in the past I’ve spoken ill of, perhaps even mentioned derisively in passing conversation that frozen pizza was created by a demon named Mealphegor. He is known to seduce people by suggesting to them prefabricated pork laced products rich in saturated fats.

This was before I discovered Tony’s Frozen Pizza! I was recently awarded some coupons to sample some of this fine fare for free. Instantly I suspected that Mealphegor was behind it, and regarded this unforeseen boon as one might look upon a cursed monkey’s paw, or even worse, a treasure troll. Luckily for all of us this was not the case. The source was not only substantiated as decidedly ‘non-evil,’ it turned out to be one of the greatest discoveries of my lifetime.

Tony’s Pizza is full of cheesy goodness. I invited several friends over to watch the bowling playoffs, and the party really got started when these crispy marvels were served. I was the toast of the evening. Everybody loves this pizza, it’s got a taste that even kids can’t get enough of. The pepperoni was full of pep, The Supreme was aptly named, and the Meat Trio turned me from a zero into a hero! I’m pretty sure it was the pizza and not the seven cans of Yankee Jim. At any rate, who needs another hero when you’ve got free pizza.

This is the perfect pizza to take to sporting events, to watch TV with, to impress a first date, to smile at yourself in the mirror beside, and to give away for free on this blog. That’s right, the first five people who make comments here will be award coupons for a free Tony’s Pizza, no strings attached! Movie night will never be the same!

Now, I know that this sounds too good to be true, but it is.

I also know that you must think Mealphegor is trying to lure you to his realm. Well don’t worry, we all know that this creature can’t write his name backwards. Rogehplaem. Now the only thing trying to seduce you will be the cheesy, crusty goodness of a fresh baked frozen pizza. So stop trying to banish me, and start leaving comments if you want to get your coupon for a free Tony’s Pizza in the mail today.

Visit my sponsor: Free Samples


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Incognito is better than Mosquitoes

by on Feb.12, 2010, under I'm poor

SANYO Incognito


Click Here

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Boost Mobile. All opinions are 100% mine.


What’s even better than contracting malaria? The SANYO Incognito™ SCP6760! Malaria is an infection insect borne disease which is kills between one and three million people a year, and there’s no vaccination! Instead of wasting your time hanging around a walk-in clinic waiting for a booster shot that doesn’t even exist, head over to Boost Mobile and for only $129.99 (excluding taxes) you can get the new SANYO Incognito, with free shipping when purchased through this link!

There is no monthly contract required, and a Monthly unlimited talk, text and web plan is only $50. Just think; no contract, no malaria! But this is more than just some high falutin’ mosquito net, this phone has a 2MP camera with a VGA camcorder, a music and video player and enhanced web browsing. This thing even has EVDO (3G mobile broadband technology) capabilities and a full QWERTY keyboard (that’s like a full keyboard for miniature people). Stay connected with your favourite social media networking sites; get the scoop on where the next contagious virus outbreak is happening! Share pictures and videos of potentially hazardous insects with Multi-Media messaging. Listen to CNN for the latest plagues with the Stereo Bluetooth features. You can even track how close the next swarm of killer bees and locust infestation is using GPS!

The SANYO Incognito™ SCP6760 is not only a cool phone and multimedia device; it can also potentially save your life. Malaria is known to be widely associated with poverty, but is also thought to be a cause of poverty and a hindrance to economic development. Bearing these important factors in mind, disregard the buzz of the deadly culicidae and let your mind drift far from the hideous effects of fever, shivering, arthralgia, vomiting, anemia, hemoglobinuria, retinal damage, and convulsions caused by this pathogen, and instead focus your thoughts on the buzz created by this masterful marvel of modern ingenuity, extend your life and enjoy the freedom associated with surviving the onslaught of pestilence while updating your facebook status in the safety and security of your survivalist position.

Visit my sponsor: Boost Mobile


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Texting from the Hershey Highway

by on Dec.31, 2009, under I'm poor

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of LG Chocolate Touch. All opinions are 100% mine.

Imagine this: your sitting on the throne and suddenly have the desire to update your Myspace status. Even worse, you are crippled by a blinding need to listen to the theme song from Friends in crystal-clear, high quality Dolby sound while simultaneously recording and editing beautiful videos and surfing the web for information about peculiar rashes.

In the olden days the only walls you could write on while using the latrine were the ones surrounding you, already covered with phone numbers and crude drawings of the male anatomy. Today, with the help of the LG Chocolate Touch you can write on almost any Facebook wall in the universe whilst Tweeting and floating chocolate boats.

If I had an LG Chocolate Touch, I would get rid of all my other mobile devices, including my shoe-phone and tinfoil hat. One of the greatest features of this fantastic new phone is that it vibrates to the rhythm of the beat. This means, if your rocking out to the sweet and sexy jams of The Fresh Prince, so is your hand! Not only that, it’s also got cool visual effects and one touch keys for instant access to your blogs, social media platforms, and it even has a phone!

Your life would be so easy if you had something like this, it would be like you’d died and been reincarnated as a solid gold porcupine. I know my life would change forever if I had one. Alas, until that day arrives I can only hope and dream of Touching LG Chocolate from my home on the Hershey Highway.

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The hills are alive with the Sound of Gravy

by on Dec.18, 2009, under I'm poor

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Club House. All opinions are 100% mine.

If you’re like me, you’ve long been fascinated by gravy, working it into your conversations at every opportunity. For example:

Ex Girlfirend: “Boo hoo hoo!”
Me: “What’s wrong dumpling?”
Ex Girlfirend: “My best friend was hit by a streetcar.”
Me: “Good Gravy! Speaking of good gravy, have you seen Club House’s new video on how to make perfect gourmet gravy? If not, watch it right now: gravy tips video!”

Obviously not everyone will admit to getting excited over gravy but trust me, everyone does. If it wasn’t true would people get nervous when it comes time to make it? Some folks get so nervous that they accidentally make gravy right in their pants. This isn’t the kind of gravy I enjoy. In fact, I frown upon it.

If you’d like to win a great gravy gift pack you should go here and sign up for the Club House gravy gift pack giveaway: newsletter sign-up and contest entry It’s like Christmas….IN DECEMBER!

One of my favorite gravy-related activities is called The Gravy Train. I got the idea from watching my ex girlfriend (a different one) fill up a gravy boat on Valentines Day. Actually, I’m barred from discussing any gravy related stories involving this particular person because of a court order forbidding public reporting or commentary. A gag-order. It’s a long story, let’s just say there were some lumps and I’ll stop right there.

Hopefully you’ve learned something useful here today about gravy. Happy holidays!

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Holy Microwaveable Sandwiches trips

by on Nov.19, 2009, under I'm poor

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of henderson bas. All opinions are 100% mine.

Hey black metal fans, who here likes sandwiches? I know me and Satan do! Get on board, eat one of eleven different types of microwaveable meat and win a trip to Las Vegas to see the big game on Game Day!

Surely you jest, you must be thinking. What is this game of which you speak? The only game I like is tricking people into selling their souls to the dark lord. Well, evil ones, the game I speak of is FOOTBALL! If you eat Bistro Crustini sandwiches, you can win air fare for two, five days and four nights at a deluxe hotel (just like in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas), chauffeured limousine service, two tickets to a big show, and $1,500 spending money!

If you’re like me you like to eat delicious sandwiches, and now you have even more reason to chow down on corn fed bovines and flu spewing swine. Don’t worry, there are still more prizes. How would you like to listen to Hell Hammer on your very own...Home Theatre System!?! You’ll be able to watch Gaahl on blu-ray, it’ll be like sitting in the dungeon with a deranged lunatic – in your very own home! Not only that, if you eat these delicious microwaveable meat and cheese concoctions you’re also eligible for a weekly draw to win a digital camera!

By the way, you won’t be trying to read the fine print by the glare of a burning church two years from now – it’s INSTANT WIN!

Remember, only one entry per person, and your spirit guide counts as you. This contest is only for residents of Canada. You don’t need to worship Satan to apply, nor do you need to be able to count to 11.

Game Day

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British Airwaves are having a gigantic seat sale!

by on Nov.12, 2009, under I'm poor

If there was anywhere in the world you could go, imagine that. In the whole wide world. Whoa!
That’s a lot of places to go, especially because the world is so big. You need an airplane to go and fly around the world in. They are expensive, so what you should do it go on the British airways website and get a cheap flight. If you were flying to Canada, that would be like, mucho savings.

I’d like to fly around the world, but my butt would sure get sore after a long flight like that. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I’d like to fly around the world in stages, and make stops every so often to see whats going on, you know? Stop here and there and be like, “Hey man, sup Yo?”

If you wanted to fly from Toronto to Maldives, it would only cost you $928! Unbelievable! I didn’t even know there was a place called that! You might not want to go there, because I’m pretty sure a country like that would smell like those pimentos you find in cheap olives. Start with Toronto to London, it’s only $386 for a round trip. If you’re from Montreal you can even bring eggs to throw at Prince Charles. What fun!

This is a great deal, and you should be sure to purchase your tickets before Novemeber 19th 2009 to get in on the savings. Oh yeah, did I mention movies? There are over 200 movies available in their On-Demand entertainment. That’s a lot of watching, you’d need to fly around the world twice to watch that many movies, and I ain’t fooling around this time. While you’re flying around the world be sure to enjoy sitting in comfortable, ergonomic seats with lumbar support. You’re butt will hardly be sore at all. If your feet are prone to swelling up and looking all weird they even have flight socks to keep your veins in your feet.
Just remember to book by November 19th, or this offer will no longer fly.


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The Strangers in the Night

by on May.16, 2008, under I'm poor, The Strangers, Thriller

strangers.jpg

Nothing fills people with dread more than the words ‘based on a true story.’
It was this claim that instilled absolute terror at the mere mention of Amityville. Even the director of the live action Scooby Doo movie scored a huge horror hit with his remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which was based on the original TCM movie instead of the story of Edward Gein. As far from the truth as that movie was, it still served to scare the hell out of a lot of people. I’ll admit the original still freaks me out. But that’s horror.
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Want some fries with that terrorist?

by on May.09, 2008, under Documentary, Film, I'm poor

where-in-the-world.jpg
I never felt the urge to see Super Size Me. That movie always seemed like a cheap shot at a faltering giant. ‘Wow, nothing negative has ever been said about McDonald’s before, what an original idea!’ What’s next, Smoking: It may or may not be good for you! I read Fast Food Nation, even before it became a movie starring Avril Lavigne. I read Slaughterhouse: The Shocking Story of Greed, Neglect, and Inhumane Treatment Inside the U.S. Meat Industry. Well, I read the book flap in the store. Needless to say, Super Size Me seemed like a waste of time for someone as knowledgeable and in tune with the world as me.
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Requiem for a Stone Angel

by on May.08, 2008, under Film, I'm poor

A few nights ago I was watching TV with my girlfriend when a trailer for the new film The Stone Angel came on. My mind raced during that thirty second slot. I began to feel angry that somebody had remade this awful movie. Admittedly, I occasionally get stone and cement confused; this is why I lasted only one summer as a masonry apprentice. Somehow I had mistaken it for ‘The Cement Garden’ by smarmy englishman Ian Mcewan. This was a book that, to put it mildly, I didn’t love. After reading it I threw it from the window of a moving bus. Don’t worry, crap is biodegradable.
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