BFF is a new word that’s been tossed around a lot recently, and by new word and recently I mean it’s pretty old. As a relatively un-hip cat, I’ve gone through life with no idea what this strange acronym means. I know Paris Hilton has a reality show called My New BFF, unfortunately I’ve never seen it. This has left an empty hole where my heart should be. Sometimes this hole sucks in darkness and spits out light.
As time passed I grew increasingly irrational trying to decipher reason from this damnable triumvirate. Night after night, panic stricken, I hid beneath the covers silently screaming, “What could it mean?!?” My mind raced endless circuits inside my head, whirling maniacally like a soggy marble. Boy Fu-Friend? Buy French Fries? Nothing made sense. My world had been turned upside down and yanked backwards through time and space.
Out of desperation I began hanging around outside of McDonald’s, hoping to find a wise face. I was met with the pitying eyes of a plastic clown. I sat for hours at Dunkin’ Donuts and tried to catch the attention of knowledgeable coffee drinkers. When I finally did, I became so excited that my words became entangled. Instead of asking, “Pardon me friend, but could you possible tell me what BFF stands for?” like I had rehearsed, I accidentally blurted out a stream of profanity laced gibberish while simulating sex with a donut.
Finally, after months of sleepless nights it occurred to me: I’ll look on the internet! Eureka! I dashed to the computer and feverishly consulted google. I typed in “B” and waited. Nothing! I tried again, this time with the letter “F” Damn! Still Nothing! I tried the third “F” with the same sickening result.
Growing despondent I was on the verge of giving up when I had a brainstorm, ‘Why not try and type in all three letters together?’ It was a longshot, but having nowhere else to turn I gave it one final try. I held my breath, closed one eye, and with my typing finger I cautiously tapped in the letters B…F…F. In the blink of an eye, I had my answer. Best…Friends…Forever. Needless to say, very disappointing.