Archive for July, 2010

Magnify Libido and Pleasure Now

by on Jul.26, 2010, under Unicorn Rainbow Blood

Charles Atlas Penis Enlarger

The Penis Enlargement Blues

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve received a lot of emails over the course of my life telling me I need to increase the size of my penis. Usually I mark them as spam, and then sit and admire my yogurt slinger. Every once in a while there comes a message that speaks directly to me, and convinces me that I need to increase the size of Stretchy and the Twins. My third arm of justice.

That is to say my Candy cane, Captain Winky, Cattle prod, Cack, Cervix crusader, Cheese staff, Cherry picker, Chick sticker, Chicksicle, Chief of staff, Chorizo, Chowder dumper, Chubby, Clam digger, Clit tickler, Cock-a-saurus Rex, Colon cowboy, Coral branch, Corndog, Crack slapper, Cramstick, Crank shaft, Cream-filled meatsicle, Creamsicle, Crimson Darth Vader, Crotch cobra, Custard cannon, Cycloptic milk spitter, Dangling participle, Diamond cutter, Dickimus Maximus, Dickory dock, dilly-ho-ho, Ding-a-ling, Ding-dong, Dingaroo, Dingle dangle, Dingus, Dinky, Dipstick, Divining rod, Dong-bong, Doodle dandy, Doppelganger, Doughnut holder, Dribbling dragon, Dr. Cyclops, Elephant trunk, Elmers glue shooter, Everlasting gob-dropper, Excreting eel, Executive staff member…

You get the picture. Without further ado, the message that is sure to launch a thousand damaged penis lawsuits:

The occupants come out from the other boxes into virgin’s
feet were poised on clouds, and beneath the thirsty animals,
when released, would rush know my nerves can’t stand much
of a shock. I he was in the firmament, and with the other
he.


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Arby’s Reuben Sandwich, Portrait of a Squandered Life

by on Jul.25, 2010, under I'm poor

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Arby’s. All opinions are 100% mine.

Create Your Own Personalized Arby’s Jr.

I’ll take a Reubens sandwich, hold the pickle.

This never fails to make me laugh; it’s one of the funniest jokes in history. Nobody tells it anymore, because nobody gets it anymore. It belonged to a specific time and place, long gone. It’s reminiscent of Kurt Vonnegut’s favourite joke, which he told often in his books, and claimed it was the funniest joke he knew. “I had a dream I was eating flannel cakes, and when I awoke the blanket was gone.” I never found it funny, or at least as funny as he seemed to. Then again he also claimed a ‘twerp’ is a person who inserts a set of false teeth in his or her ass in order to bite the buttons off back seats of taxi cabs. Back to the joke, you probably won’t get this joke either. This is sad for me, as it reflects on my growing irrelevance in the world. Sad, but I can still laugh at this joke which is more than I can say for a lot of people. I’ll give you a hint:
(continue reading…)


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Got Writers Block? Write from the Heart!

by on Jul.15, 2010, under Blogging Tips

I was visiting a friend who told me the story of how his father escaped from East Germany before the wall came down. He fled the country on skis. Racing for his life he was chased down, dodged bullets and barely made it out alive. Only when he reached safety did he realize he’d been shot in the back.

It reminded me of what I had for lunch that day. I heated up a can of soup, it was a little salty. The whole episode left me feeling unsatisfied. What you’ve eaten for lunch is important to other people. Have you ever gone out for dinner and not thoroughly enjoyed your meal? Had some fast food that wasn’t all that great? Maybe even had a cup of lukewarm coffee? People want to know. Dammit, THEY DESERVE TO KNOW!

These things are important, so if you’re running low on inspiration just remember you’ve got a wealth of incredible interesting stories at your fingertips, and an insatiable audience hanging on your every word. You are the news thats fit to print.


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Connect your friends with Chains

by on Jul.06, 2010, under I'm poor

Hampton Chain of Friends SweepstakesClick Here

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Hampton Hotels. All opinions are 100% mine.

Hampton_logo

If you’ve ever entered a contest it’s most likely been for a free bottle of seltzer, or laces for your boring sneakers. If you know anything about contests, if you know anything about hotels, if you know anything about chains, armour, adolescent nights consisting of renting a hotel room with your buddies with a fake ID just so you have a place to drink, or even Chihuahuas as fashion accessories, this is the contest for you.

The Hampton Hotels Chain of friends contest grand prize consists of an entire hotel for you and 100 of your closest friends for an entire weekend, plus $5,000! Just think of what you could do with a prize like this! You could have a seriously good time; pretend you’ve just been sent to Las Vegas to cover a motorcycle race with your attorney. You could eat sheets of blotter acid and sit in the bathtub with a giant hunting knife! You could relive the glory days of the Who by driving cars into the swimming pool, have orgies in hot tubs full of baked beans like Led Zeppelin, or if you’re lucky hang a fishing pole out of your room and catch a mudshark!

This sweepstake is open to everyone, so let your inhibitions down and invite all of your friends on myspace and facebook. You could storm the ice machines dressed like wiener dogs without disturbing anyone. You don’t need to be a Hilton Honors member, or even to have previously stayed at a Hampton Hotel.

I’m assuming the chains will be supplied with your room, you don’t want anybody sneaking off on your big night. Or perhaps they’re whoopin’ chains. Whatever floats your boat. I’d like to sit in a heart shaped hot tub with towels folded to look like swans, while 100 of my closest friends tossed single links of the grand prize chain into the water I was soaking in. Rusted, busted and encrusted. Talk about good times. I’d also invite the Queen of England to stop by for a cup of tea. That’s always a very civilized thing to do. If I became friends with her on facebook, do you think she’d come?

What would you do if you won this great grand prize? The best comment will be supplied two years worth of microscopic dog biscuits suitable for the next fashion canine accessory, earring sized schnauzers.

Good luck everyone!

Visit my sponsor: Chain-of-Friends Grand Prize


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BFF Disappoints

by on Jul.05, 2010, under Unicorn Rainbow Blood

BFF, WTF?

BFF is a new word that’s been tossed around a lot recently, and by new word and recently I mean it’s pretty old. As a relatively un-hip cat, I’ve gone through life with no idea what this strange acronym means. I know Paris Hilton has a reality show called My New BFF, unfortunately I’ve never seen it. This has left an empty hole where my heart should be. Sometimes this hole sucks in darkness and spits out light.

As time passed I grew increasingly irrational trying to decipher reason from this damnable triumvirate. Night after night, panic stricken, I hid beneath the covers silently screaming, “What could it mean?!?” My mind raced endless circuits inside my head, whirling maniacally like a soggy marble. Boy Fu-Friend? Buy French Fries? Nothing made sense. My world had been turned upside down and yanked backwards through time and space.

Out of desperation I began hanging around outside of McDonald’s, hoping to find a wise face. I was met with the pitying eyes of a plastic clown. I sat for hours at Dunkin’ Donuts and tried to catch the attention of knowledgeable coffee drinkers. When I finally did, I became so excited that my words became entangled. Instead of asking, “Pardon me friend, but could you possible tell me what BFF stands for?” like I had rehearsed, I accidentally blurted out a stream of profanity laced gibberish while simulating sex with a donut.
Finally, after months of sleepless nights it occurred to me: I’ll look on the internet! Eureka! I dashed to the computer and feverishly consulted google. I typed in “B” and waited. Nothing! I tried again, this time with the letter “F” Damn! Still Nothing! I tried the third “F” with the same sickening result.
Growing despondent I was on the verge of giving up when I had a brainstorm, ‘Why not try and type in all three letters together?’ It was a longshot, but having nowhere else to turn I gave it one final try. I held my breath, closed one eye, and with my typing finger I cautiously tapped in the letters B…F…F. In the blink of an eye, I had my answer. Best…Friends…Forever. Needless to say, very disappointing.
Paris Hilton, My BFF related dudes and chicks, yo


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