Archive for December, 2009

Texting from the Hershey Highway

by on Dec.31, 2009, under I'm poor

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of LG Chocolate Touch. All opinions are 100% mine.

Imagine this: your sitting on the throne and suddenly have the desire to update your Myspace status. Even worse, you are crippled by a blinding need to listen to the theme song from Friends in crystal-clear, high quality Dolby sound while simultaneously recording and editing beautiful videos and surfing the web for information about peculiar rashes.

In the olden days the only walls you could write on while using the latrine were the ones surrounding you, already covered with phone numbers and crude drawings of the male anatomy. Today, with the help of the LG Chocolate Touch you can write on almost any Facebook wall in the universe whilst Tweeting and floating chocolate boats.

If I had an LG Chocolate Touch, I would get rid of all my other mobile devices, including my shoe-phone and tinfoil hat. One of the greatest features of this fantastic new phone is that it vibrates to the rhythm of the beat. This means, if your rocking out to the sweet and sexy jams of The Fresh Prince, so is your hand! Not only that, it’s also got cool visual effects and one touch keys for instant access to your blogs, social media platforms, and it even has a phone!

Your life would be so easy if you had something like this, it would be like you’d died and been reincarnated as a solid gold porcupine. I know my life would change forever if I had one. Alas, until that day arrives I can only hope and dream of Touching LG Chocolate from my home on the Hershey Highway.

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Subliminal Dinky Birds in Childrens Cartoons

by on Dec.30, 2009, under Evil

Ever wonder why your child suddenly started hanging around the men’s room at Grand Central Station after watching Spongebob Squarepants? Here’s the awful truth:

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Nothin’

by on Dec.19, 2009, under Original Bands

The Ugly Duckings

Nothin was the first single by early Toronto Rockers The Ugly Duckings, badass, sneering spit’n'swagger rock’n'roll played the way it was meant to sound, shaping punk and drawing lines.

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The hills are alive with the Sound of Gravy

by on Dec.18, 2009, under I'm poor

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Club House. All opinions are 100% mine.

If you’re like me, you’ve long been fascinated by gravy, working it into your conversations at every opportunity. For example:

Ex Girlfirend: “Boo hoo hoo!”
Me: “What’s wrong dumpling?”
Ex Girlfirend: “My best friend was hit by a streetcar.”
Me: “Good Gravy! Speaking of good gravy, have you seen Club House’s new video on how to make perfect gourmet gravy? If not, watch it right now: gravy tips video!”

Obviously not everyone will admit to getting excited over gravy but trust me, everyone does. If it wasn’t true would people get nervous when it comes time to make it? Some folks get so nervous that they accidentally make gravy right in their pants. This isn’t the kind of gravy I enjoy. In fact, I frown upon it.

If you’d like to win a great gravy gift pack you should go here and sign up for the Club House gravy gift pack giveaway: newsletter sign-up and contest entry It’s like Christmas….IN DECEMBER!

One of my favorite gravy-related activities is called The Gravy Train. I got the idea from watching my ex girlfriend (a different one) fill up a gravy boat on Valentines Day. Actually, I’m barred from discussing any gravy related stories involving this particular person because of a court order forbidding public reporting or commentary. A gag-order. It’s a long story, let’s just say there were some lumps and I’ll stop right there.

Hopefully you’ve learned something useful here today about gravy. Happy holidays!

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The Reincarnation of Elvis

by on Dec.17, 2009, under Elvis

I don’t believe in ghosts and give little credence to conspiracy theories, but watching this video gave me goosebumps. For a brief second, I thought perhaps everything I knew was wrong and Elvis had never shaken his hips off this expired barbiturate of a planet to meet his eternal reward.

Without further ado, the unbelievable reincarnation of the King:

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Drink coffee until your heart explodes!

by on Dec.04, 2009, under Original Bands

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of NESCAFE. All opinions are 100% mine.

Have you ever felt tired? I haven’t, because I drink coffee that I brewed on my fantastic NESCAFE Dolce Gusto machine. If you want to get one of these funky contraptions for free, go enter the contest and win it, like a proper self-respecting troglodyte who gives his or her name to ever every contest in the world trying to get something for free.

That’s right, I said it: NESCAFÉ® Dolce Gusto™ brews coffee house-quality beverages from the convenience of your own home or castle. All you’ve gotta do is plug one of these little dew-hickeys into the thingamajig and suddenly it spurts out brown stuff.You can even make it splosh out cold things. It’s all quite dramatic!

There are seven different flavours: Caffè Lungo, Espresso, Americano, Latte Macchiato, Cappuccino, Iced Cappucino, Café Mocha…even Chococino (hot chocolate) for the kids. That’s right, teach your kids how to drink instant coffee by training them on instant hot chocolate. It’s win-win.

Warning/Disclaimer:

    You need electricity to make it work.
    Do not operate coffee machines in the bathtub.
    Do no drink coffee laced with heroin if you are pregnant.
    Coffee should be administered orally, never ingest it through your skin.
    Coffee should not be trusted with small children.
    Hot coffee can be hot, do not pour into eyes or on puppies.
    Whipped cream on your coffee does not make you taste fruity, you only appear that way. (void if you are female).
    Coffee caplets should never be bronzed and dropped from tall buildings.
    Unless the coffee otherwise requires, words importing the single number shall include the plural, and words importing the masculine gender shall include the feminine.

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Korpiklaani – Wooden Pints

by on Dec.01, 2009, under Evil

If you’ve never heard of the genre ‘Folk Metal’ I’m sure after hearing this you’ll be left scratching your head and thinking, ‘What the folk was that?’

They raise their wooden pints and they yoik and sing

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There’s men, underground
Who have never seen the sun
But they really know how to party
Little men from underground
Who have never seen the sun
But the really know how to party

[Chorus:]
They raise their wooden pints and they yoik and sing
And they fight and dance ’till the morning

Tables full, reindeer meat
And the camp fire shines and the brick walls are full candles
Tables full, wooden pints
They don’t care about their sins
They just wanna get drunk and party

Long war is now past
Only good men have lasted
They need women, meat, beer and rum
Fight battle full of blood no thoughts about god they just slaughtered killed and tormented


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