Welcome to the street is a new song by the independent artist Joseph Goes Boom. I first became aware of Joseph through his postings on Craigslist seeking major label representation. Despite the negative reaction of a small percentage of youtube ‘keyboard music critics’ I think this song has the potential to become a serious threat to Helix’s ‘Half Alive’ in the .$99 bin.
The Penis Enlargement Blues
As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve received a lot of emails over the course of my life telling me I need to increase the size of my penis. Usually I mark them as spam, and then sit and admire my yogurt slinger. Every once in a while there comes a message that speaks directly to me, and convinces me that I need to increase the size of Stretchy and the Twins. My third arm of justice.
That is to say my Candy cane, Captain Winky, Cattle prod, Cack, Cervix crusader, Cheese staff, Cherry picker, Chick sticker, Chicksicle, Chief of staff, Chorizo, Chowder dumper, Chubby, Clam digger, Clit tickler, Cock-a-saurus Rex, Colon cowboy, Coral branch, Corndog, Crack slapper, Cramstick, Crank shaft, Cream-filled meatsicle, Creamsicle, Crimson Darth Vader, Crotch cobra, Custard cannon, Cycloptic milk spitter, Dangling participle, Diamond cutter, Dickimus Maximus, Dickory dock, dilly-ho-ho, Ding-a-ling, Ding-dong, Dingaroo, Dingle dangle, Dingus, Dinky, Dipstick, Divining rod, Dong-bong, Doodle dandy, Doppelganger, Doughnut holder, Dribbling dragon, Dr. Cyclops, Elephant trunk, Elmers glue shooter, Everlasting gob-dropper, Excreting eel, Executive staff member…
You get the picture. Without further ado, the message that is sure to launch a thousand damaged penis lawsuits:
The occupants come out from the other boxes into virgin’s
feet were poised on clouds, and beneath the thirsty animals,
when released, would rush know my nerves can’t stand much
of a shock. I he was in the firmament, and with the other
This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Arby’s. All opinions are 100% mine.
I’ll take a Reubens sandwich, hold the pickle.
This never fails to make me laugh; it’s one of the funniest jokes in history. Nobody tells it anymore, because nobody gets it anymore. It belonged to a specific time and place, long gone. It’s reminiscent of Kurt Vonnegut’s favourite joke, which he told often in his books, and claimed it was the funniest joke he knew. “I had a dream I was eating flannel cakes, and when I awoke the blanket was gone.” I never found it funny, or at least as funny as he seemed to. Then again he also claimed a ‘twerp’ is a person who inserts a set of false teeth in his or her ass in order to bite the buttons off back seats of taxi cabs. Back to the joke, you probably won’t get this joke either. This is sad for me, as it reflects on my growing irrelevance in the world. Sad, but I can still laugh at this joke which is more than I can say for a lot of people. I’ll give you a hint:
I was visiting a friend who told me the story of how his father escaped from East Germany before the wall came down. He fled the country on skis. Racing for his life he was chased down, dodged bullets and barely made it out alive. Only when he reached safety did he realize he’d been shot in the back.
It reminded me of what I had for lunch that day. I heated up a can of soup, it was a little salty. The whole episode left me feeling unsatisfied. What you’ve eaten for lunch is important to other people. Have you ever gone out for dinner and not thoroughly enjoyed your meal? Had some fast food that wasn’t all that great? Maybe even had a cup of lukewarm coffee? People want to know. Dammit, THEY DESERVE TO KNOW!
These things are important, so if you’re running low on inspiration just remember you’ve got a wealth of incredible interesting stories at your fingertips, and an insatiable audience hanging on your every word. You are the news thats fit to print.
This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Hampton Hotels. All opinions are 100% mine.
If you’ve ever entered a contest it’s most likely been for a free bottle of seltzer, or laces for your boring sneakers. If you know anything about contests, if you know anything about hotels, if you know anything about chains, armour, adolescent nights consisting of renting a hotel room with your buddies with a fake ID just so you have a place to drink, or even Chihuahuas as fashion accessories, this is the contest for you.
The Hampton Hotels Chain of friends contest grand prize consists of an entire hotel for you and 100 of your closest friends for an entire weekend, plus $5,000! Just think of what you could do with a prize like this! You could have a seriously good time; pretend you’ve just been sent to Las Vegas to cover a motorcycle race with your attorney. You could eat sheets of blotter acid and sit in the bathtub with a giant hunting knife! You could relive the glory days of the Who by driving cars into the swimming pool, have orgies in hot tubs full of baked beans like Led Zeppelin, or if you’re lucky hang a fishing pole out of your room and catch a mudshark!
This sweepstake is open to everyone, so let your inhibitions down and invite all of your friends on myspace and facebook. You could storm the ice machines dressed like wiener dogs without disturbing anyone. You don’t need to be a Hilton Honors member, or even to have previously stayed at a Hampton Hotel.
I’m assuming the chains will be supplied with your room, you don’t want anybody sneaking off on your big night. Or perhaps they’re whoopin’ chains. Whatever floats your boat. I’d like to sit in a heart shaped hot tub with towels folded to look like swans, while 100 of my closest friends tossed single links of the grand prize chain into the water I was soaking in. Rusted, busted and encrusted. Talk about good times. I’d also invite the Queen of England to stop by for a cup of tea. That’s always a very civilized thing to do. If I became friends with her on facebook, do you think she’d come?
What would you do if you won this great grand prize? The best comment will be supplied two years worth of microscopic dog biscuits suitable for the next fashion canine accessory, earring sized schnauzers.
Good luck everyone!
BFF is a new word that’s been tossed around a lot recently, and by new word and recently I mean it’s pretty old. As a relatively un-hip cat, I’ve gone through life with no idea what this strange acronym means. I know Paris Hilton has a reality show called My New BFF, unfortunately I’ve never seen it. This has left an empty hole where my heart should be. Sometimes this hole sucks in darkness and spits out light.
As time passed I grew increasingly irrational trying to decipher reason from this damnable triumvirate. Night after night, panic stricken, I hid beneath the covers silently screaming, “What could it mean?!?” My mind raced endless circuits inside my head, whirling maniacally like a soggy marble. Boy Fu-Friend? Buy French Fries? Nothing made sense. My world had been turned upside down and yanked backwards through time and space.
Out of desperation I began hanging around outside of McDonald’s, hoping to find a wise face. I was met with the pitying eyes of a plastic clown. I sat for hours at Dunkin’ Donuts and tried to catch the attention of knowledgeable coffee drinkers. When I finally did, I became so excited that my words became entangled. Instead of asking, “Pardon me friend, but could you possible tell me what BFF stands for?” like I had rehearsed, I accidentally blurted out a stream of profanity laced gibberish while simulating sex with a donut.
Finally, after months of sleepless nights it occurred to me: I’ll look on the internet! Eureka! I dashed to the computer and feverishly consulted google. I typed in “B” and waited. Nothing! I tried again, this time with the letter “F” Damn! Still Nothing! I tried the third “F” with the same sickening result.
Growing despondent I was on the verge of giving up when I had a brainstorm, ‘Why not try and type in all three letters together?’ It was a longshot, but having nowhere else to turn I gave it one final try. I held my breath, closed one eye, and with my typing finger I cautiously tapped in the letters B…F…F. In the blink of an eye, I had my answer. Best…Friends…Forever. Needless to say, very disappointing.
This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Cisco. All opinions are 100% mine.
If you know me at all, you know I’m very passionate when it comes to sports. On more than one occasion I’ve driven friends to various sporting events; bowling, darts, hopscotch, and even soccer, when I invariably hear somebody in the car scream at me, “Hey man, yer passing it!” It makes me feel quite robust knowing that my intense feelings for all things manly are worn upon my shoulder, with pride, for the entire world to see. Because of my machismo I’m rarely called a wuss anymore. When I am, its usually because I’m either crying or watching Sex in the City.
Obviously, my favourite team is the Maldives National Football Team. There is no greater feeling than watching these football masters battle it out on the field with their peers. Go Maldives! Take the Cup!
The only thing cooler than the Maldives football team, is this custom world cup soccer video maker. You can upload your own face and suddenly be playing in the world cup! What I love most about this is how it makes it look as though Leatherface has sliced off your face and sewn it onto different people. Buffalo Bill, eat your heart out. There’s even a great segment which shows how your rotting face would look with insects crawling all over it. It really makes me wanna kick some balls!
If you can’t believe it, check out how cool Pee Wee Herman looks in this video!
Leave a link to your video and tell me why Maldives have the coolest Football team in the world.
This is writing 2.0
Hey Bloggers, if you’re stuck for some good material here’s another tip, Boring is the new interesting! Let yourself write about anything that’s happened in your life, no matter how mundane it might seem to you. People will love it!
Have you had a bad day?
Have you had a bad day? Was some lady walking slight slower than you would normally walk, causing you a mild inconvenience? Did some guy you encountered on a forum have poor netiquette? Tell somebody about it, people not only want to know, they deserve to be informed of these events. Are you feeling down, uninspired, bored? It’s news to us.
Believe it or not, billions of people lead interesting and fulfilling lives. When they get home there’s nothing else they’d rather do than sit in front of a computer and find something boring to read.
Don’t stop there!
Take it a step further. Find lyrics to some lame song you like, and then simply copy and paste!
Do you want to write a movie review, but can’t be bothered? It’s simple! Merely search on google for a movie you’d like to review, find a review somebody else has already written that you think you might agree with (if you read it), and copy and paste it into your blog with the preface, “I agree with what this person wrote.”
This is writing 2.0 – writing without the hassle of writing.
Be sure to tune in next week when we’ll be discussing an even more advanced blogging topic, how to write a movie review that takes longer to read than actually watching the movie.
This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of PacSun. All opinions are 100% mine.
I’m sure that most of you have heard about Ken Block teaming up with DC Shoes and Ford Gear. When I first heard this I couldn’t believe how incredible my life had become. If I you’ll allow me to take you back a few years, you will understand why this seeminly trivial occurance is so important to me, a guy whose incredible charm, stunning good looks and incredible physique have kept him uneployed and single for the majority of his life.
I’d had the idea for Direct Current shoes six years ago. When I was pitching my idea to various manufacturers, DC was obviously the first. Initially my vision was for a pair of shoes which could be used to recharge batteries. From there the design of D.C. shoes took on a life of their own, and before I knew it I had a pair of shoes that could not only magnetize themselves and allow me to walk up metal walls, it could also knock you across the room. All of these effects were triggered by a series of delicate tap dance moves.
Soon afterwards I was invited to demonstrate my new invention to the crumb bums at DC shoes. I wore my protoype to the meeting in order to make a stunning entrance, walking in the room upside down on the ceileing. Unfortunately for me, there weren’t any solid metal walls or ceilings anywhere in the building. Nevertheless, I stalked confidently into the room when the called me. The next unfortunate event occured as I walked into the room. ‘Hello Dolly’ by Louis Armstrong came over the muzak, and I was unable to stop myself from breaking into a quick soft shoe routine during the horn solo. This triggered a strange reaction from my DC Shoes, and suddenly three people lay dead at my feet. Literally.
Anyway, check out this killer video of Ken Block doing shoe stuff, and leave a comment saying what your favorite Monster World Rally piece of clothing is!
Anywhoo, Ken Block is a really renowned rally racer. He’s raced the pants off lesser men not only in the X games, but around the world. Many people don’t know Ken Block co-founded DC shoes. These people are fools. DC shoes are good for skateboarders who like to skate the pants off their competition. Aside from separating people from their pants, DC shoes and Rallysport have been very kind to the young gajillionaire. Surprisingly, his success has not caused him to turn his back on friends and family.According to sources he has adopted the nasty habit of referring to friends and foe ‘Old chap’ ala The Great Gatsby.
It’s Ken’s goal to grow the Monster World Rally Team best known rally team in the universe, and this young man can only reach his goal with your help. Please call 1-800-MON-STERS or go buy some DC shoes. Give until your heart hurts. Give until you can’t give anymore. When monster world rally reaches it’s zenith there will be free Mountain Dew for all of us.
If You Seek Amy Destroys America
Christians across America have been under siege since Britney Spears new song was released. “If you go to church, you’d better watch out!” Susie McBread, chairperson of the Parents Television Council warns, “That song is like getting fucked in the ass by Satan!”
The catchy little ditty has been causing chaos amongst God-fearing citizens not only in the Promised Land of America, but around the globe. In Rome, an eleven year old girl suddenly began spurting blood from her ears when the song was heard from a passing car. More recently it was reported that five grade eight children exploded after they downloaded the song from an illegal website named Itunes.
The song in question is Spears new single, “If U Seek Amy.” According to PTC president Tim Winter, “There is no misinterpreting the lyrics to this song, and it’s certainly not about a girl named Amy.” An enraged Winter claims that if you say the title of the song fast enough, it sounds like the F-Word. “Kids turn on the radio to hear happy songs about love and shit, not hear a bunch of fucking stupid bullshit for fuck’s sake! This song sounds like the fucking F-word, and that’s so much fucking bullshit that I fucking hate it and I hate that fucking bitch for making such a fucking fucker song! FUCK!”
This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Kraft Dinner Gotta Be Canadian Contest!. All opinions are 100% mine.
Have you ever wanted to surf upon oceans of powdered cheese food product, building up speed as you glide over globs of melted margarine on your journey to the heart of the Canadian instant noodle dinner? Now, the chance can finally be yours! Enter the Kraft Dinner Gotta Be Canadian Contest and you could win the opportunity to travel across Canada by train as Kraft’s official macaroni correspondent, and share your experiences online with other gourmets.
I know you’re probably thinking you’ll need to take a crash course in macaroniololgy, and only a real cheesologist would qualify for such an amazing prize. It’s just not true. Not only are 90% of North America’s trailer park nutrition ministry over in Thailand on a noodle conference, the remaining 10% are made up of college students to drunk on cheap malt liquor to form a sentence, and the aforementioned trailer park consortium, who at this point in time are rolling just out of phone range on their way to the fishin’ hole.
So listen up kids aged 16-25, All you have to do is write an essay or shoot a video telling Kraft Dinner why you should be picked to be the Official KD Canadian Correspondent. Not only will you be sailing seas of cheese, you’ll also get Prizing is as follows:
A 16 day trip from the Pacific to the Maritimes for 2, valued at $16,000 $1,500 spending money, a MacBook Pro and a Sony bloggie camera. I think. I didn’t really read the rules that closely because I got so excited when I heard about this contest I nearly squirted cheese through my nipples. Once you’ve entered you can badger everyone you know to vote for you.
Now don’t just stand there, go write a bunch of stuff about how you love cheese to a box of noodles, and good luck!
Franks Zappa and the Mothers of Invention in the 60′s
Admittedly, I’ll watch nearly anything Zappa related, from live footage to bootlegs to documentaries. Much has been written about Zappa and the Mothers, they have been very well chronicled. From how many times Zappa stretched his legs while writing The Dog Breath Variations to how many cigarettes he smoked in the studio while recording Magdalena, to dense intellectual interpretations of his work and ponderous forays into his political activities. There comes a point when, like with the beatles, everything that needs to be written about certain portions of their lives just may have been covered in excruciating detail by this point.
When I sat down to watch the doc Franks Zappa and the Mothers of Invention in the 60′s I was interested, yet skeptical. It starts off slow, with various Zappologists shedding light on the mans early years and musical influences using pretty much the exact same words as every other verbose Zappologist. Perhaps these people only have one book to base all of their learned opinions on. There are some cool interviews with Jimmy Carl Black, Bunk Gardner, Don Preston and Kim Fowley, but very little live footage of the band in action. You can actually find a million times more ‘rare’ footage looking on youtube.
If you happen to be new to Zappa and the Mothers, you just might dig it. If you know anything about them, this is rehashed, watery gravy. It’s safe to say that the turning point for me was having to suffer through the most irritating accent I’ve ever heard by an aged, self important hippy intellectual wearing a giant scarf with skulls on it while blathering inane facts he likely gleaned from the back cover of Freak Out! I’m sure if I wasn’t subjected to this pompous poof for over two hours, I might have enjoyed it more.
If you think I’m exaggerating:
Although it’s hard for me to dislike anything Zappa related, in my humble opinion: save your money, buy any Mother album or official Zappa dvd, and enjoy your life without fear of sitting on your deathbed lamenting the two hours you wasted one hapless evening.
Create a Kids Movie with Moviestorm and you could win an amazing $2k Mac!
This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Moviestorm. All opinions are 100% mine.
Have you ever wanted to create your own digitally animated movie, and then suddenly remember that you didn’t go to school to study digital animation, you can’t draw, you have little money and no visual ideas? Sure, who hasn’t? As you sit slumped in your seat on the crowded subway with your fading hopes dashed upon the shores of reality, you still cling stubbornly to this dream. This desire is eating you away inside. This fire, which compels you to create, spurs you to reach higher and higher…
And then you look down at the poorly rendered stickman animation you’ve spent the past six months working on. You realize you’re near the end, because your 300 page flip book is rapidly running out of paper, yet when you preview your master work, ‘Man walking, ball bouncing,’ you realize there must be another way. Well thankfully, there is.
INT. LOUNGE – NIGHT
ENTER: MOVIESTORM, a stunningly handsome virtual movie studio which has everything you need to make animated movies in the comfort of your own home. Moviestorm is a subscription based animation service that costs only $8 a month. Try out the free version for Mac or PC.
I’m here to rent you some unique content.
What, like some crappy rubber robots? Beat it before I blow your fool head off!
Why you dirty…
No you drooling degenerate, you can get any kind of content you want. Horror, cop shows, music videos, science fiction, even romance. From where I’m standing, the only way you’ll ever see romance is if you make it up yourself. Check out the unique
content rental system.
I prefer using a paper and pencil to draw bouncing balls. I find technology strange and confusing; in fact it makes me uncomfortable.
Don’t be an idiot, Moviestorm is fun and easy to use. Check out these
and you’ll realize even a shmuck like you can function in a modern society.
As MOVIESTORM turns around to leave, the evil villain raises his gun, aiming for the back of his head.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
So, quit standing around bellyaching, and go win a MAC.
This group, a two man band funneling the raw power of the White Stripes and displaying the strength, power and mystique of Guns’n'Roses, is obviously my new favorite band. They don’t have a name, or if they do they don’t need one. If I could name them, if I was to be given such an honour, I would name them them ‘The Awesome’. Shades of Iron Maiden, specks of Ramones, sprinklings of Zeppelin and whatever it is that makes men tick. Rock is the answer, and these gifted performers are the question. Oh E Ro chimney to work stupid annoying Yaro. Watashi no tomodachi , seien ni iwa! Anata no hidoi ongaku to wa , sekai wo hikitsugu koto ga deki masu.
At long last, I bring you the unnameable! Live from Yoyogi Park!
This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Tony’s Pizza. All opinions are 100% mine.
I know in the past I’ve spoken ill of, perhaps even mentioned derisively in passing conversation that frozen pizza was created by a demon named Mealphegor. He is known to seduce people by suggesting to them prefabricated pork laced products rich in saturated fats.
This was before I discovered Tony’s Frozen Pizza! I was recently awarded some coupons to sample some of this fine fare for free. Instantly I suspected that Mealphegor was behind it, and regarded this unforeseen boon as one might look upon a cursed monkey’s paw, or even worse, a treasure troll. Luckily for all of us this was not the case. The source was not only substantiated as decidedly ‘non-evil,’ it turned out to be one of the greatest discoveries of my lifetime.
Tony’s Pizza is full of cheesy goodness. I invited several friends over to watch the bowling playoffs, and the party really got started when these crispy marvels were served. I was the toast of the evening. Everybody loves this pizza, it’s got a taste that even kids can’t get enough of. The pepperoni was full of pep, The Supreme was aptly named, and the Meat Trio turned me from a zero into a hero! I’m pretty sure it was the pizza and not the seven cans of Yankee Jim. At any rate, who needs another hero when you’ve got free pizza.
This is the perfect pizza to take to sporting events, to watch TV with, to impress a first date, to smile at yourself in the mirror beside, and to give away for free on this blog. That’s right, the first five people who make comments here will be award coupons for a free Tony’s Pizza, no strings attached! Movie night will never be the same!
Now, I know that this sounds too good to be true, but it is.
I also know that you must think Mealphegor is trying to lure you to his realm. Well don’t worry, we all know that this creature can’t write his name backwards. Rogehplaem. Now the only thing trying to seduce you will be the cheesy, crusty goodness of a fresh baked frozen pizza. So stop trying to banish me, and start leaving comments if you want to get your coupon for a free Tony’s Pizza in the mail today.
One of my favorite scenes from this great flick.
“You know, the beauty of quitting is, now that I’ve quit…….I can have one” ?
This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Boost Mobile. All opinions are 100% mine.
What’s even better than contracting malaria? The SANYO Incognito™ SCP6760! Malaria is an infection insect borne disease which is kills between one and three million people a year, and there’s no vaccination! Instead of wasting your time hanging around a walk-in clinic waiting for a booster shot that doesn’t even exist, head over to Boost Mobile and for only $129.99 (excluding taxes) you can get the new SANYO Incognito, with free shipping when purchased through this link!
There is no monthly contract required, and a Monthly unlimited talk, text and web plan is only $50. Just think; no contract, no malaria! But this is more than just some high falutin’ mosquito net, this phone has a 2MP camera with a VGA camcorder, a music and video player and enhanced web browsing. This thing even has EVDO (3G mobile broadband technology) capabilities and a full QWERTY keyboard (that’s like a full keyboard for miniature people). Stay connected with your favourite social media networking sites; get the scoop on where the next contagious virus outbreak is happening! Share pictures and videos of potentially hazardous insects with Multi-Media messaging. Listen to CNN for the latest plagues with the Stereo Bluetooth features. You can even track how close the next swarm of killer bees and locust infestation is using GPS!
The SANYO Incognito™ SCP6760 is not only a cool phone and multimedia device; it can also potentially save your life. Malaria is known to be widely associated with poverty, but is also thought to be a cause of poverty and a hindrance to economic development. Bearing these important factors in mind, disregard the buzz of the deadly culicidae and let your mind drift far from the hideous effects of fever, shivering, arthralgia, vomiting, anemia, hemoglobinuria, retinal damage, and convulsions caused by this pathogen, and instead focus your thoughts on the buzz created by this masterful marvel of modern ingenuity, extend your life and enjoy the freedom associated with surviving the onslaught of pestilence while updating your facebook status in the safety and security of your survivalist position.
Trale Lewous is not only the new voice of Skittles candy, but also the voice of a disengaged culture searching for truth and wisdom. An ideal on two feet, this visionary leader and trailblazer will undoubtedly climb to the peak of humanity and one day rule over all as a kind and benevolent prophet/king.
I wish my mom was birds.
This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of LG Chocolate Touch. All opinions are 100% mine.
Imagine this: your sitting on the throne and suddenly have the desire to update your Myspace status. Even worse, you are crippled by a blinding need to listen to the theme song from Friends in crystal-clear, high quality Dolby sound while simultaneously recording and editing beautiful videos and surfing the web for information about peculiar rashes.
In the olden days the only walls you could write on while using the latrine were the ones surrounding you, already covered with phone numbers and crude drawings of the male anatomy. Today, with the help of the LG Chocolate Touch you can write on almost any Facebook wall in the universe whilst Tweeting and floating chocolate boats.
If I had an LG Chocolate Touch, I would get rid of all my other mobile devices, including my shoe-phone and tinfoil hat. One of the greatest features of this fantastic new phone is that it vibrates to the rhythm of the beat. This means, if your rocking out to the sweet and sexy jams of The Fresh Prince, so is your hand! Not only that, it’s also got cool visual effects and one touch keys for instant access to your blogs, social media platforms, and it even has a phone!
Your life would be so easy if you had something like this, it would be like you’d died and been reincarnated as a solid gold porcupine. I know my life would change forever if I had one. Alas, until that day arrives I can only hope and dream of Touching LG Chocolate from my home on the Hershey Highway.
Ever wonder why your child suddenly started hanging around the men’s room at Grand Central Station after watching Spongebob Squarepants? Here’s the awful truth: